Welcome to 2013 everyone. Perhaps I am somewhat tardy in my felicitations, but I wanted to make absolutely certain that the Mayans had simply run out of room on their calendar before issuing that a greeting. Among so many others, I have succumbed to the ill-conceived, and perhaps ill-fated, habit of making resolutions for this year. Among them are to change my eating habits (somewhat), and actually exercise more than my channel surfing digits.
Needless to say, in order to accomplish the second of these objectives, I ventured forth to an exercise facility (a.k.a.: torture center), and inquired about their programs. I was greeted by a lively young spandexed vixen who was not only thin enough to disappear at times, and perky enough to make me want to smack her, she was quite knowledgeable regarding the various ways they could make one hurt, sweat, and regret their conception. As this lithe creature droned on and on in her childlike whiny voice (with EXTENSIVE over use of “like”), I realized that proper grammar and pronunciation were tortured here as well. According to her name tag, “Kandyce” is a registered fitness instructor. I stated that I had a couple of concerns, being that I have had, one: very little exercise in several years, and two: quadruple bypass surgery, and would there be a program that would help me ease back into some sort of shape. “Kandyce” informed me that she could recommend the “like absolute like PERFECT program that’s like so amazing that it’s like awesome!” Imagine, if you will, my reaction to this tidbit of enthusiasm:
Yet “Kandyce” wasn’t phased in the least by my derisive snort or sarcastic look. She blathered on and showed me the various devices which stretch, pull, pummel, rend, and inflict pain and torment upon one’s body. Yes, I do realize that some enjoy this mode of life, but I do not happen to be among them. Finally, towards the end of our tour, I was shown……THE ROOM!
Permit me to describe THE ROOM. It was pleasant in its decor, very peaceful, with a fountain at one end and lots of padded mats lined up in several rows. The air was cool and flowing freely, with the scent of the sea wafting about, and the sound of the gentle surf. If I were to close my eyes, I would picture this:
And then I met the keeper of THE ROOM, known as “The Yoga Instructor” whose name badge stated boldly that her name was “Helga”. Remember, my body has not been subjected to much strenuous activity for some time and would likely rebel against me, even threatening a violent overthrow of my ownership of said body, should this coexistence be disrupted. Yet, here I found myself left in the hands of “Helga” for a flexibility evaluation. Hmmmm…..oddly, not once did I notice a staff physician on hand, just as a sidenote observation. “Helga” hunkered down on one of the mats and immediately began a series of contortions that made me wonder if she, in fact, had bones at all, and asked me if I could do something like this:
“Surely you jest!” thought I. She didn’t seem to notice, by looking at me, that touching my toes would be more than a lost cause, and touching my toes to the back of my head would only happen if my legs were forcibly removed from my person. Nevertheless, I gave it a go, and after much grunting, groaning, straining, sweating, and rolling from mat to mat as if I were a wrestler trying to pin myself, I surrendered to the idea that toe touching would not be happening this day. “Helga” actually laughed and told me I needed to get in shape before coming back to that particular facility. Always a good way to get members, methinks. So I toddled off to a different facility which offered much the same torture devices, but the staff seemed much more at ease.
Imagine my surprise when I walked in and saw several people who were in the same shape, or out-of-shape, as I, yet they were working hard to change that aspect of themselves. Intrigued, I was, and more than a bit surprised:
Thus, after the tour, I began a regimen, which I am daily wanting to continue. So far, according to the scales, I am 13 pounds down, and feel a bit better.