The Human Zoo

I had my list, mostly because I tend to forget things….a LOT, and headed into StuffMart to complete my mission of acquisition.  Now, I, like most men I know, have a strong dislike for shopping in the traditional sense (i.e., casually meandering up one aisle and down the next to see if there’s anything that strikes my fancy), when I go shopping there is an objective (the list), a plan (break last record time of getting out of there), and a tactical withdrawal (escape the car park without too many cart scratches).  

However, on this particular voyage, I decided to utilize my mind (brain games are supposed to keep the mind from mushiness) and use this opportunity to study the primate “human” in their habitat.  

My Observations are as follows:    

     *Most of the humans have cell phones which seemed to be attached to their heads. The conversations consisting mainly of: “uh huh”, “I feel ya gurl”, “yeah”. How one can carry on a conversation with such a limited response system baffles me.    These humans seem to desire to travel in large family gaggles which are spread out all across the aisles, moving like fish in a block of ice, with various young ones hanging on the cart, tugging on the “Mama” (this title is whined frequently and loudly by a young one who seems hypnotized and has long forgotten why they wanted the attention of “Mama” in the first place). These gaggles are like river flotsam which eventually dams the river by blocking the passage.    Choice of couture is rather odd.  The enormously baggy britches that require one hand to hold up and forces the wearer of said garment to walk spread-legged, whilst nasty undergarments (usually boxer shorts) poofing over the top of the pants like some sort of flag that has not seen a cleaner in many years.    

     *One particularly odd klatch of humanity is, what I call, “The Chatters Club.” These wish to converse with whomever they happen to see at the moment a question pops into their cranium.  I have, thus far, been queried about adult disposable diapers, hemorrhoid suppositories, whether melons looked appealing, my opinions of the President’s performance, if I would like to purchase a tiny box of Girl Scout Cookies for “a good cause” which usually means they are over-priced and guilt is used as a sales tool.    

     *In the car park, I observed herds of bewildered looking humans aimlessly wandering in the traffic (avoiding the inconvenient crosswalks at all cost) attempting to find their transport or friend or child or stopping to argue with the person on the other end of the cell phone.    

     *Then there are the exit points where humans seem to think it convenient to stop in the doorway with their cart full of merchandise so they can “double check” their receipt while completely oblivious to those wishing to actually exit the store who are now crashing into each other.

My conclusion…”Zoo: an excellent place to study the habits of humans” – Evan Esar.  Stuffmart is like gazing into the petrie dish of humanity.